I'm Wide Awake

For real though, I can't sleep. Have you ever had such a bad day that your brain just can't shut off and you sit up thinking about what could have been different or which ending would be better? That's me right now. It's happened before, I'm sure more than a handful of times, when I just can't shut off my brain. It's not always a bad day necessarily but my mind just runs whether its stories in my head or the past, a present problem or, as mentioned, a horrible day. Today was of the horrible day type. To be honest everything was fine, I got a good grade on my test, it was an average day. But then I got a series of phone calls which ended up with me in tears, missing work, and spending the night trying to figure out what the heck was going on. Nothing super major (don't freak out) and nothing to do with Madi or my family, but it was just one of those moments when one thing triggers hundreds of axons in your brain to the point where you just lose it. For one I hate missing work, anyone who knows me or works with me knows that I never miss shifts (even extra shifts) for no reason or for a dumb reason so knowing that I couldn't go in because I was having a hard time stopping the tears made me even more upset. I guess I have no idea where this post is going. But since this is don't hit the backspace button I have a vow not to erase it so here's my current thoughts I guess. I guess sometimes it is hard to be honest with people as much as you want to be. You leave thoughts out because you don't want to offend someone or you don't want to make them upset. But holding things back, it doesn't work. Your mind will run until you get it all out; at least mine does. So this past school year I haven't held back. When someone makes me mad, ill tell them. When I don't like something, I say it. Because if I don't it will eat me up until I just explode. I guess today was a reminder of how I shouldn't let people walk over my thoughts without giving it a real try. Because why fight for something if you're going to do it half assed? It wouldn't make sense. So when I did that, fought for something I 101% supported and I got absolutely knocked down and kicked, it hurt a lot. Thank The Lord I have great people around me like my friends and madi who I could call and have them understand without questioning me. I guess point is, if you want something go for it. Don't do things in life without giving it your all, because if it doesn't work out you don't want to say you didn't try everything the first time. Because what I've learned is that you don't usually get second chances, so do things right the first time. On that note I don't have regrets, everything is a learning experience and today will be one whether everything turns out to be fine or things change. Either way everything will be okay.

Until my next thought pops up,

-Olivia